Rising above the pain
As children of God we expect to be hurt by those around us and we are largely not surprised when it occurs. But what happens to us when we are hurt by those we hold nearest to our hearts?
Most saints have lived long enough to realize that those around us will hurt us eventually. Sometimes it is unintentional on their part, sometimes, it is motivated by things such as jealousy, and at other times it is a simple misunderstanding. Yet, for these people, we tend to keep our guard up because we know it is usually just a matter of time before they do something to us. This does not mean that we spend our time looking for the bad in people because we have enough within ourselves to keep us busy. But instead, what we are saying is that we have learned through life experiences that hurt will find its way to us, and we are generally not taken off guard when it finds us.
But what happens when the hurt’s source comes from someone we trust without question? What if the start of the pain comes from a spouse or child? We understand that they are prone to cause hurt like anyone else, but we are less prepared for this. We have invested so much time in these relationships, and there is a certain elevated level of trust that we have given them. So we are less prepared for any hurt they cause, which can feel like a betrayal, making it difficult to rise above the pain.
Control Your Anger
“Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath:” (Ephesians 4:26). Before we are tempted to blame someone for hurting us, let us first look at where many fail. We often respond with anger once we are broken, especially by those closest to us. Yes, we are saved, and yes, we are full of the Holy Ghost, but even the best God chasers are human and, therefore, prone to occasional missteps. Anger seems to be the programmed response when we are in hurtful situations that have taken us by storm, and we are unprepared to handle them. We will later realize that our answer to the problem was totally out of God’s will, and also show us something within ourselves that we need to address with God’s help.
Casting Stones
“So when they continued asking him, he lifted up himself, and said unto them, He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her” (John 8:7). Oddly enough when we are hurt by someone, we should look within ourselves in our attempts to place blame. Granted, sometimes one person may be solely responsible for the situation, but usually, both people involved can share in the root cause of the problem. It takes two to create this uncomfortable situation and will certainly take two to fix. In the scripture above, Jesus was questioning those about to stone the woman found in her discretion. It was very insightful for him to say that whoever was present and was free from sin could cast stones upon her, thus judging her. Jesus was directly challenging their lives and their ability to judge another person.
We, too, should be cautious in judging someone who has hurt us. They may be on a different spiritual level than we are and have different life experiences that have shaped them. Yes, it is very hurtful when betrayed by someone we love, but we should be ready to respond with Godly compassion. If Jesus were to exercise upon us that which is deserved every time we foul things up, our lives would be most miserable!
Forgive, Forgive, Forgive!
“For thou, Lord, art good, and ready to forgive; and plenteous in mercy unto all them that call upon thee” (Psalms 86:5). If you want the pain to draw on and on, the best thing you can do is to be lazy in forgiving the person that has hurt you. That seems to make little sense, but that is how it works. Unforgiveness will extend your suffering and create additional torment that will be added to the already existing pain. The fastest way to eliminate the sting of betrayal is to forgive the person who hurt you. The reason for this is that when there is strife in the relationship, it is not functioning within the boundaries of God’s will.
“This is my commandment, That ye love one another, as I have loved you” (John 15:12). For Godly relationships to work, they must be exclusively based on God’s love. No other force exists, known or unknown, that will keep a marriage together like abiding in God’s love. God’s love can heal all wounds if we let it. The problem is that if we don’t forgive the person who has hurt us, we are placing limitations on God to deliver us from our pain.
It Takes Two …
I hope you noticed that I focused on the person being hurt and responsible for fixing things in our discussions. Now the world would tell you to get even, but we must follow kingdom principles in the kingdom of God.
Now, if we look at the person who committed the offense, we will find that all the same actions apply to them. If a spouse has hurt their mate and is willing to forgive, they should show heartfelt remorse and offer a genuine apology. Remember now how difficult it is for the offended person to open the door for healing. They are looking past all the hurt and focusing on the bigger picture, which is that the relationship is worth saving.
This is a giant pill to swallow and thus deserves an appropriate apology. Providing “sorry” and thinking that is all needed is not enough. No emotion or sincerity is involved in offering up one word that takes minimal effort or humility on your part. If you have wronged someone and they are willing to endure the pain you have caused, you should be ready to offer an apology commensurate with your actions.
Pride Destroys Relationships
When one person in a relationship hurts another, we find the potential for pride on both sides. You see, the person who was hurt will feel that they were unjustly caused to feel pain, and while the “unjust” part may be genuine or not, it doesn’t matter. They will feel as if the other person owes them, and when they refuse to forgive until they get restitution, then pride has set in. When they want to see the other person hurt as much as they are, pride has set in. Pride sets in when they refuse to forgive the other person for what they have done.
True is the same for the person who has caused the hurt. They are wrong, and hopefully, they know that they are wrong. Pride has set in if they refuse to offer a sincere and humble apology. If they try to blame the other person for what they have done, then pride has set in. Pride has set in if they will not accept responsibility for their actions.
“Pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall” (Proverbs 16:18). If you want to destroy your marriage, let pride set in. Your refusal to forgive and receive forgiveness will ruin your relationship. Pride is the great destroyer within the kingdom of God if it is allowed to go unchecked. That is why the verse we used earlier about not letting the sun go down on your wrath is so crucial. If pride is allowed to continue, the stress on the relationship will eventually become unbearable, and the bond created by God will become meaningless.
Defending Their Honor
“Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and he shall lift you up. Speak not evil one of another, brethren” (James 4:10-11). Husbands, if your wives have wronged you, don’t dare speak poorly of your wife to anyone. Wives, you should do likewise if your husbands have hurt you. In doing this, you are humbling yourselves before God’s mighty throne and positioning yourself to receive his grace, mercy, and healing from your hurt.
Yes, your wife may have hurt you, and yes, your husband may have hurt you but be cautioned against spreading the word. This is your spouse, and I believe God requires you to defend their honor. Never be found speaking ill of the life mate that God has placed in your life, regardless of the hurt. Nothing justifies your campaign to let everyone know what they have done. Forgive them and receive their apology, thus abiding in Jesus Christ.
